I love Smash Bros as much as the next guy. But if the new game being made for the Nintendo Switch doesn’t include EVERY SINGLE ONE of these characters. Then it is 100% going to be trash. Obviously, I’ll still buy a Switch so I can play it and find out. I actually own the Premium Fresh Prince Pancakes Shirt. The first time I saw you I couldn’t take my eyes off you. In school, I was always there for you when assholes you dated treated you with 1% of the respect I have for you in 1% of my heart alone. I always offered to pay for your lunch even when you were dating other guys. When you wanted to go out because an asshole had broke up with you and you needed to take your mind off it and I was busy I made time for you.
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But I also respected you when you were busy. In tenth grade when I masturbated for the first time I didn’t think of pornstars like other guys but I thought of you. At prom, you were the only one I wanted to take but you went with a douche who had asked another girl before you. That’s the reason I didn’t go because I couldn’t go with you. I never told you this before. But you’ve gone as far as you need a Premium Fresh Prince Pancakes Shirt. I’ll be the last guy you ever date. Because we will never break up. Back in the day, you walked uphill both ways, and no one bitched and moaned about “privilege.” And if you wanted a dildo, you didn’t just go down to The Pleasure Hut or whatever. Sex stores off the highway? Are you MAD!?!?!!
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Back in the day, you had to go into the forest and find a big ole’ hunk of wood. And you took that hunk of wood back to your house. And you hid that hunk of wood from your parents. When your dad was at work, and your mom was at book club. You snuck into your Premium Fresh Prince Pancakes Shirt. You started with the table saw, and rounded off the edges with the belt sander. If needed, you would have to bust out the Dremel. And you carved that dildo. And it took time. You damn kids, you don’t know anything about blood sweat, and tears. And once you carved that wooden penis, you needed to make sure to SAND THE SHIT OUT OF IT. I cut that out and sanded it down, in my woodshop. Damn kids.
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